A man who promises but doesn't deliver. Why a man does not keep his word: the opinion of a psychologist

The age-old question of women seeking advice from a psychologist, astrologer, fortune-teller - how will relations with this man develop? With which, as a rule, there are so many problems that it is already difficult to cope without a specialist. As a rule, they seek help already when the case is running. Because it's too late, I messed up. It is much easier to recognize a potential problem in advance. And if this has already happened, it is necessary as soon as possible to reconsider your attitude to the situation, to yourself and to the tormenting man. And then the external situation will change - either the man who causes suffering will fall away, or he will change (but this is extremely rare, unfortunately, rather as an exception to the rule). And this will open the way to a bright streak in a woman's life, to a new relationship, this time harmonious.

First of all, I would like to note that every woman needs to treat herself with love and respect. Without self-love, it is almost impossible to build harmonious relationships. Because others treat us the way we treat ourselves and, therefore, how we allow ourselves to be treated. Moreover, what kind of people are attracted to us depends on our internal attitude. Secondly, it is important that the point here is not so much in the man as in the woman herself. Namely, what kind of men she chooses. There are a number of types of men who are not capable of long-term and harmonious relationships (there are also women, but in this article we will talk about men). And until a woman realizes where she makes a mistake and does not internally revise her attitude towards herself and towards similar men, she will step on the same rake again and again (as a rule, each subsequent case is harder than the previous one). Often unsuitable men are attracted to women who can be called idealists, maximalists, overly romantic persons who dream of ideal, passionate, all-consuming love. As a rule, this is a consequence of a lack of love from the father. Having matured, such a girl subconsciously seeks to arouse love for herself just in such men who cannot give it to her. And the pattern repeats over and over again. Less often, the opposite situation occurs - excessive idealization of the father, great love on his part.

Types of men with whom it is dangerous to start a relationship.

1. A married man.

He swears love to you, in moments of intimacy he is caring and gentle. But in communication with you, he always looks at his watch, hides you from everyone, cannot meet with you on weekends and holidays, while saying that he loves only you. However, in reality, in a relationship, there are not two of you, but three. At the same time, he will have a lot of explanations why he cannot leave his wife, despite the fact that he loves only you, but does not love her and she does not understand him. Or, he will promise you all the time that the time will come soon and he will divorce and marry you. But all this will be... in the future. These are just words. Not deeds. Although there are exceptions.

2. Inaccessible man.

This type of man behaves with you in exactly the same way as a married man. But at the same time, she is not married. He's like a gorgeous man who makes you feel good when you're having fun together. But as soon as you need help... he's not around, he's out of reach. He always has things that are more important than you. At the same time, he, like a married man, does not introduce you to his friends, does not tell his parents about you (let alone introduce you to them). When he needs you, he is your covenant, and you are there. But he doesn't even allow the thought of being there for you when you need it. He doesn't think about it. He is so comfortable and good. And if you get tired of it and you leave him, he will be ... fine too. Although, perhaps not immediately. Because some time will not be convenient. After all, you will not be there when he wants it, as always, for a few ... hours or minutes.

3. Bad boy.

This is a merry fellow, charming and joker. He is charming, sweet and irresistible. When you are together, he puts you on a pedestal, makes vows, jokes. It's never boring with him. But... for no apparent reason, suddenly he doesn't get in touch with you, despite the promises. And it can disappear for weeks, without worrying about your experiences. Then, just as suddenly, he appears and, with invariable charm, looking into your eyes with love, asks for forgiveness. So what if you found evidence of his infidelity in the form of lipstick on his shirt? After all, he is so charming and so faithfully promises that this will never happen again. And you forgive because you want to believe in a fairy tale. After all, this charmer is so sweet and speaks so skillfully about love for you. But... he's irresponsible as well as charming.

4. Sexually horny.

All his thoughts are about the same thing. All he needs from you is the satisfaction of sexual needs. Sex replaces for him all the delights of relations between a man and a woman. He is not interested in heart-to-heart conversations, he does not know how to express his feelings to you, he longs for only one thing. And all the problems in a relationship can only be solved by sex. But... at any moment when you are not around, or when for some reason you cannot satisfy his suddenly flared need, he can do it somewhere else. After all, sex is all he needs from a woman.

5. Unreliable, irresponsible man.

This man calls himself self-sufficient and independent. He doesn't need your presence at all. Rather, he only wants to be with you sometimes. And not every day. After all, he is self-sufficient, and he is so good. You console yourself with the thought that you have him, because he is dating you. And that he will substitute his strong male shoulder in a difficult situation. But... it's an illusion. Because he doesn't need it. And it may very well be that at some point his self-sufficiency in relations with you will reach such limits that he will no longer need to spend his time on you at least occasionally. After all, the main thing for him is his freedom and independence.

6. Poor thing.

Such a man will give you his attention in abundance, shower you with ardent declarations of love, fulfill your every whim without hesitation, is ready for literally everything for you and cannot live without you. And soon you won't be able to be alone for a minute. Because he will always be with you. He wants to merge with you, to always be one, and ... he will demand the same constant attention from you. You will have to give all your time only to him. So, in the end, you ask yourself the question - does he really love you, or is he some kind of painful addiction?

7. Engineer of human souls.

This is a storyteller-associate, an excellent connoisseur of female psychology. He paints in all colors the beauty of love for you and you as such. Beautiful words flow from him like a river. Ah, these women who "love with their ears!"... He casts languid glances at you, he talks about love, promises a lot, and constantly creeps into your soul. He is subtly versed in the slightest movements of the human soul, he feels you perfectly and pretends to be "on the board" to you dear. He is an excellent manipulator, owns psychological methods of influence. He knows your motives and needs, tells you everything you want, and promises you a lot. And soon you realize that he got into your soul so much that you can’t tear it off. He hooked you on beautiful words, like a drug. He has a habit of subtly asking how much you love him, how much you need him. And you say - yes, I love! This is exactly what he wanted. But... it soon becomes clear that he can offer you nothing but words. And does not consider it necessary. He is weak and helpless, does not keep his promises, and many do not even remember. He does not know how to act. All his energy goes into beautiful words. As a rule, he has an inferiority complex, and with intimate conversations he makes women fall in love with him. For self-assertion.

8. Selfish.

This is a man who loves only himself. He is simply incapable of loving anyone else. Especially when it comes to a person who pays great attention to his appearance. Do you think it's nice to deal with such an elegant handsome macho? However... this is only an appearance. The more carefully he chooses his clothes, shoes, perfume, hairstyle, the more he looks in the mirror and laments about the extra pounds gained, the more neglected the situation is - you have a narcissist in front of you. He really takes good care of himself, but ... only for himself. For others, it just isn't enough.

9. Workaholic.

A man whose all interests are limited solely to his career will never be able to make a woman happy. He disappears at work for days, and he does not care about anything but her. In this pair, the third man-work is superfluous. Probably, such a person does not have a very developed ability to feel, love, care. He replaces care and love with money earned at work. And, if a woman tries to resent his inattention, he will reproach her for not appreciating his efforts to provide her with a sweet life. He just won't hear her.

10. Drug addict, alcoholic, gambler.

A man subject to harmful addictions can make any woman unhappy. And here neither the most wonderful compatibility nor love will save. You can live with him, but ... is it possible to live happily? And is it worth the pain?

11. Controller.

Such a man at first glance can strike you with his strength and masculinity. He knows how to solve problems, he is active, strong, decisive. He is the master of life. As a rule, he occupies a high position and earns well. Behind him - like a stone wall. But at one fine moment you realize the stone wall has turned into a cage. Because such a man limits you in everything and dictates to you all your actions for a long time to come. Controlling every step. He perceives you as a thing, his property.

12. Aggressor.

Is it worth explaining that if a man beats his woman every now and then, then relying on the well-known saying "Beating means he loves" is not the best way out. Besides, it is not limited to beatings alone. And do not skimp on insults and rudeness. If he is so aggressive that he easily raises his hand to you, it is foolish to believe that he can be redone and you will live like in a fairy tale. Even if he suddenly begins to promise that he will never do it again. If he raised a hand against you, try to stop this relationship as soon as possible.

13. Greedy.

This is a special type of men. He can have as much money as he wants, but this has little effect on the degree of his greed. He can explain this to you for whatever reasons, and even assure you that he is not greedy, but it should be borne in mind that people are prone to "excuses", even if they themselves are not aware of the true motives of their behavior. A man who spares money for his woman is not a man. And tomorrow he will spare money for his child. And then what? Believe in miracles? He can spare money for everyone except himself. And maybe greedy for yourself too. It's not that important. Another thing is important - it cannot be corrected. A man by nature is a protector, a breadwinner. And if in your chosen one instead of these qualities - greed, everything is too neglected. Run away from him and do not regret anything!

14. Indifferent.

At first, he may seem so touchingly unhappy that he will touch your soul. You will want to pour out your tenderness on this unfortunate creature, warm it up, caress it and finally make it happy with your love. After all, he has such sad eyes, he is so serious and restrained. He probably has such a vulnerable and sensitive soul that he is afraid to show his feelings so that he is not hurt or offended. And you will take and melt the ice, because your love is enough for two. Stop! First of all, pay attention to your self-esteem! Why do you have to love for two? There will be no happiness in such a relationship. Because there is no harmony and equality. And it won't. Secondly, such stories, as a rule, end in the collapse of relationships, many disappointments, illnesses and mental traumas. Because an insensitive, indifferent, cold person who does not know how to love will not melt from your love alone. He doesn't need it. Although there are exceptions - when a man, at first cautious and restrained, as the relationship develops and trust in you grows, opens up and becomes loving and tender with you. But this usually happens pretty soon. And this is rare. If his coldness dragged on for months, or even years, it is pointless to expect a miracle.

15. Alphonse.

This money-obsessed type can hardly be called a man. But he doesn't think so. He is used to selling himself, his attractiveness (and often he is really damn attractive!). He is well versed in the intricacies of female psychology, skillfully manipulates and seduces. He can be a good lover. And he knows how to "splurge" so that you lose your head from him. Having previously learned all the features of your excellent material well-being. But... will he love you? He only loves your money. You have to be very careful with this one and stay away from it. So that it doesn’t work out, as in one humorous story “A friend met such a handsome man! Not a man, but a fairy tale!” - he doesn’t drink, doesn’t smoke, doesn’t work, ... and doesn’t intend to. He lives in her chic apartment, on everything ready And he answers all the indignations - if you don’t like something, I can leave, they will quickly pick me up as a handsome man.

16. Womanizer.

This is a man, in principle, not capable of love. Although he himself may not think so. But love he calls anything, but not love itself. He can sincerely admit that he is not monogamous. Hiding behind slogans from books that a man is a sower and all that. So everything is in the nature of men, and not at all his fault. But he may not say so. It doesn't matter. If a man walks, it is in vain to expect from him that he will finally settle down and stop going to the left. Even if he says that he loves only you and there will be no more trips to the left. However, if you are ready for this, continue to be with him. And even deceive yourself that you are happy and don’t go to the doctors at all, you don’t experience an inferiority complex, etc. and so on. But is it worth it?

17. Bachelor.

This type is very similar to inaccessible and independent. But he most often openly declares his bachelor principles. He does not accept the institution of marriage, he cannot stand obligations. Taking responsibility for someone is just stupid. For what? If you can live for yourself, your beloved, for your pleasure. And to satisfy sexual needs with women, to whom he is not going to offer anything but sex (after all, he does not owe anything to anyone). And he will always find them. He does not know the charm of close relationships, care and family comfort. He doesn't understand it. The word "we" does not exist for him, or even infuriates him. And the word "our, common" is generally like a red rag for a bull. Among bachelors there may also be misogynists.

18. Gloomy philosopher.

This is a man full of abstruse ideas and reasoning. He will quote the classics and philosophers, he is well-read, intelligent and looks down on this whole "imperfect world" with philistine foundations. Often he leads an ascetic lifestyle, cannot earn anything (with loud slogans that money is so low and vulgar). May be overly fond of spiritual practices, Castaneda, yoga, etc. (which in itself is not bad at all, but not in the case of a gloomy philosopher). He ignores the physical, material world. May not take care of himself, be untidy, unkempt. He has reduced sensory experience. After all, he is a high-flying bird. Spit on the generally accepted foundations. Marriage can also be looked down upon, cynically talking about "love for a woman like a wild flower - I saw, smelled, admired and moved on," about free relationships. This is the "high relationship". Why should he burden himself with everyday life and serious relationships? After all, he is above this, all so spiritual, intelligent and advanced.

19. Loser, whiner.

This man is a typical loser. He cannot find a decent job, he always sits penniless in his pocket, and even on someone's neck. At the same time, he can consider himself an unrecognized genius, whom no one appreciates and does not understand. In his failures, as a rule, he blames others and circumstances. At work, they say, they don’t appreciate him, they don’t raise his salary, the bosses are all completely bad, his colleagues are envious. His friends do not understand him, and therefore he has no friends, by and large. And women are completely insidious creatures. And he didn't see a single good girl. It's all rubbish. Whine, criticize everything and everyone and beat for pity - his typical behavior. And even if at first he will say that you may be an exception, and not like all these bitches, then the likelihood that in his eyes you will soon go to the same cohort of bitches is very high.

20. Infantile. Sissy.

This is the type of weak, dependent person. As a rule, he has a domineering mother, or was brought up by a domineering grandmother. Often he is the only son of his parents (or one mother, whom her husband either abandoned, or there was none). And now he obeys his mother in everything, she completely controls him. If he manages to fly out from under her wing and he starts a relationship with you, firstly, his mother will most likely not approve of his choice (why does she need competitors?), And he will listen to her, or he will behave with you just like with a domineering and strong mother. He won't be able to take a step without you, he will be completely under your influence. There is no need to look for support and support in such a man. And with his addiction, he will very soon begin to piss you off. Do you need an overgrown infantile "son", or is it a man?

The list goes on. But the trends are clear. Of course, all these types are just conventions. And they are, as a rule, exaggerated, as in any typology. In addition, in nature there are practically no pure types. Usually several of these characteristics, developed to varying degrees, are combined in one person. Some of them are mutually intersecting. All people are not perfect. And this or that trait can be present in a normal man who knows how to build good relationships. But the most important thing is to understand to what extent it is developed. And if some of these traits are strongly and seriously expressed in a man, then, of course, you can build relationships with him if you really want to (but is it worth it?). Moreover, "love is evil." But! Is it love? Love is harmony. Although many call it strong feelings, where there is a lot of suffering, or passion, or painful addiction. Anything but love. Remember that it is almost impossible to create a long and happy relationship with such a man. Although many of our women live on the principle of "even if it's bad, but mine." Here it is worth deciding for yourself - what do you want - a happy family and a loving, reliable man nearby, who not only makes you happy, but is also happy that you are nearby. Or suffering, complexes, tears and psychosomatic illnesses. And remember, no matter what a man is, he must take care not only of himself, but also of you and your children. How about yourself. And playing with one goal will not bring happiness.

We learn to be feminine, we try not to carry everything on our fragile shoulders, to transfer responsibility to a man, to ask him for help more often, but the trouble is ... We ask, but our requests and promises given to us are not always fulfilled. And this fact infuriates more than one thousand women.

What's the matter? Why doesn't he keep his promises? He often says: wait, be patient, but the situation does not change. Why can he let you down at a crucial moment, forget about your plans and needs, although you agreed? Why can't he finish what he started? Or it can unexpectedly get into trouble, stumble out of the blue, commit stupidity, which will change the whole course of expected events.

Often an important reason for such behavior (except for the infantilism of your chosen one, but we will not discuss this in detail here), can be repressed anger towards you.

And here it is? - perhaps, you ask. I will try to explain as clearly as possible.

Aggression is an important part of our life. With the help of it, we defend our boundaries, try to solve emerging problems, satisfy our needs, however, we are not always aware of this. But any manifestation of aggression in society is taboo. From childhood, we are taught that expressing our anger or anger is not safe: it can be punished, criticized and insulted. Moreover, significant people may reject the child because of such behavior. And since children are very dependent on their parents, on significant adults, and without their attention, love and care they cannot simply survive, then often unconsciously they decide that any manifestation of aggression can cost them dearly, and begin to suppress it. However, she does not go anywhere, she just accumulates in her soul and looks for a way out.

Because the child does not dare to consciously show aggression towards significant people, then he begins to show it in some other way (for example, he can be a hooligan at school, but be a good boy at home). Or he begins to take it out indirectly against significant adults (he broke an expensive vase, broke a valuable thing, lost money, made a mess, did not fulfill what he promised).

Because in our culture, parents do not teach children (because they themselves do not know how) to recognize their anger, realize the needs behind it, express it and take responsibility for it, then people grow up with distorted ideas about their feelings.

What do we have in the relationship of adult men and women?

This mechanism of indirect manifestation of aggression continues to work. For in pairs there is often no constructive dialogue and competent feedback. The expression of genuine feelings is often taken as a personal insult and develops into a quarrel. The partner remains deaf to our needs and requests.

If your man does not keep his promises, then this is probably a signal that he has accumulated claims, discontent and aggression against you. But he expresses them indirectly, "breaking off" you. Thus, unconsciously seeking retribution for the damage done to him.

What to do?

Try to establish a dialogue in pairs. Take courage and be honest with your man about what he doesn't like about you or your relationship. You can directly ask him: “Why are you angry with me?”. The most important thing here take the position of a listener and honestly try to hear it. Without their excuses, comments, evidence.

This is the most difficult, I understand you! But the main thing is to try at least once to create such an atmosphere where he can open up and honestly express his dissatisfaction. The same is true for you, you can also ask your man to just be a listener.

When the dialogue is established, the need for an indirect manifestation of aggression and discontent through causing damage to another partner will disappear. And a man will naturally be more attentive and obligatory!

What to do if you have mutual feelings with a woman from another city?

Question:
I met a woman online, we corresponded, called each other on Skype, in general we like each other and our positions in life are similar. We already feel some kind of feeling, if not love, then falling in love. This is noticeable both in the messages and in the atmosphere. What should we do? Confuses the distance, we are in different cities. Volgograd and Astrakhan.

Alexander Biryukov's answer:

The question is not just common in our network age, but one of the most relevant. I get asked almost every week.

Distance is the weakest factor that should not bother anyone at all in our time. I would understand if you were in different countries at different ends of the world. Or at least you are in a taiga village 100 km from Yakutia, and she is on a farm in the Kaliningrad region. But there is a train between Astrakhan and Volgograd! 10 hours - and you are together!

What to do? The scheme is like this. I didn’t come up with it, but I put it together from rational pieces and thought out the steps just me. I warn you that this is a general scheme. And each case requires adjustment in one direction or another. But the scheme is working.

After you have received primary and even in-depth information in your case in the process of correspondence and Skype conversations, you need to meet in real life. The matter is facilitated by the fact that you already know each other relatively well, are used to each other. Already experiencing mutual warm feelings. This means that you will no longer be strangers to each other, you will feel comfortable together immediately after the meeting.

Before all this, it is better to try to make inquiries about the woman. It is not necessary to delve into some intimate details of life. The main thing is that she should not be a slut / prostitute, an alcoholic, a drug addict, a mentally ill person, a judge, and that all this should not happen to her closest relatives. Everything else will be seen in real life by her behavior.

Meeting in real life is better not to delay. As soon as you both understand that you care about each other, already plan a meeting. Let's say in a couple of weeks. While the time is right, the acquaintance will deepen, and the feelings will strengthen. You will meet almost native people.

The meeting in real life should be relatively long. Not one night, but at least three or four days, if possible, then more. For what? See the person, his behavior. In all aspects: the ability to create comfort in a couple, the ability to do household chores, compatibility in sex and much more. You see how the woman's behavior corresponds to what she wrote and said online.

Where and how to invite? Here you decide for yourself. If one of you lives alone, then the second can come to him. If both live with relatives, then you can rent at least a small apartment somewhere on the outskirts of the city. It will not cost so much, but it will be your first (and possibly not the last) joint home. Expenses - by agreement. If both work, you can split in half. Or a visitor pays for tickets, and a local pays for housing.

When to do it? If people of free professions or in general can dispose of themselves, then at any time. If someone (or both) works on a tight schedule, then there are holidays: New Year's, February 23, March 8, there will soon be long May holidays. Summer vacation. You can take days off and add to the weekend. In general, a solution can always be found.

You met and everything went well. You are happy with each other. What's next? It is better to repeat such a meeting after a short period of time. You can now go to another city, meet your parents. You can do this a couple more times if in doubt. But don't pull. Any delay in a relationship blurs the matter.

Between trips, you actively communicate on Skype. These are the same dates, the same communication and getting used to each other, like walking in the park.

When the trips are over, the main thing is not to be stupid, but to take the bull by the horns. to move in. Reader, you are a man, and therefore you take on decision-making. Thinking about where you will live. If there is a free apartment - in it. If there is a parental apartment, they rent it out and live on this money (+ pension) - rent it from their parents for the same amount. And parents will not be offended, and you are better off than wiping other people's corners from other people's owners. If this is not the case, then simply rent a small, inexpensive apartment and live.

After thinking through all this, you inform the woman that she is moving in with you. Now it's time to stop shaking your ears. If she says she can't, find out why. If she is a top manager or a deputy, then the move is, of course, difficult. Not everyone will leave such a trump card. If a teacher or a hairdresser, then let him not drive bullshit. You can get a job as a teacher and a hairdresser everywhere, not such a unique profession and position. Studying - transfer to a similar university in your city. My students, even in the most bureaucratically complicated medical university, married military men and easily transferred to other universities. If you are a part-time student, there is nothing to talk about at all. Translation is done even in the middle of the semester in a few days. And so that she is less driven, you will help her on the spot and transfer and find a job. you are a native, you have an advantage. Use it for your woman.

If she is a freelancer and works remotely, then there is nothing to talk about at all.

Missing mom and dad is not a problem. That's Skype. The main thing is that she should not be psychologically dependent on them, and that her father-in-law and mother-in-law should not try to control you and personally control you through this Skype. Your family must live autonomously. And in it the leader is you, not her parents. In your family, from now on, the law is your word. She must understand and accept this.

If a woman loves you, she will only be glad that you showed perseverance and determination in actions. I went through a lot of problems and found a solution. He did not mumble, smear the snot with his fist, but simply took it and did it.

Just don't act like insecure men. No need to dump a bunch of these questions, doubts on her head. Where to live, how to live, etc. No need to discuss all this with her for a long time and tediously. I thought about all the options - I found the best one - I put it before the fact. In extreme cases - a choice of a couple of alternatives. You are a man, and you still make the decision. So why procrastinate the topic? Be firm and don't be afraid to make decisions.

So all the paddocks are a waste of time. Distance, different cities - such a minor problem in our mobile age that it's even embarrassing to talk about it. Everything that I have described is very easy to implement if you take it for granted. The main thing is not to slow down, to be decisive and firm.

It's really simple. Trust me.

Of course, this is a general scheme, and some special cases will need to be adjusted.

Answers to additional questions that arise from readers.

1. It makes sense to maintain long-distance love only if you have real and serious intentions for a woman. They are determined after a relatively long communication by correspondence and after Mandatory repeated communication in Skype .

I repeat once again that communication on Skype is an analogue of a regular date without sex. Like a walk in the park. Both interlocutors see each other, can appreciate the appearance, voice, manners and everything else that everyone needs. Even the sincerity of words can be checked when you see the interlocutor. The fake is easy to read. In addition, now webcams have good resolution, and you can see a person as if he is sitting opposite at the table. So, correspondence and especially Skype will give you the opportunity to get to know each other as if you had been dating for some time. You can and SHOULD clarify all aspects regarding your and her mood for the future. Attitude to family model, marriage, children, budget, family hierarchy, etc. So that you can meet already without misunderstandings, almost native people.

As you can see, starting all this just for the sake of sex makes no sense. At least in my opinion. Long-distance love is long and much more labor-intensive than finding a slut in your city. Long-distance love should be started only if there is a real soul mate on the other end. At the very least, I would never bother with all this for the sake of a one-time adventure. Write, call, share your views, somehow get used to it - and all for the sake of sex alone, and even then for a short time, for a couple of days? It just isn't worth it. In addition, there is so much sex now that it is not difficult to find it. Right in your city.

“I could make a whole book out of the promises that men made to me in bed,” said Barbara Streisand. It must be admitted that there really is a category of men who generously give out promises, and are not limited to the bedroom: “I will call you / Of course, we will get married! / Yes, I will buy you a fur coat / Of course, I will come to dinner / Today I will hang this picture " . Hit of all times and peoples: "I promise, this will not happen again." Why men do not keep their word and is it worth waiting for the promised three years.

We begin to believe in the promises made to us since childhood - when dad promises a beautiful doll for the New Year, and Santa Claus guarantees that he will definitely appear again next year. When Santa Claus does not come, and instead of a doll a tiny baby doll sits under the tree, disappointment sets in. It is noteworthy that there is no analogue of the phrase “a man said, a man did” regarding a woman. Specialists explain the specific attitude to the word given by a man by sociocultural norms. “A man is a structuring principle, he builds the structure of the world. And the structure is something that you can rely on,” psychologist Alena Sagadeeva philosophizes. “These are traditionally social and gender roles, in accordance with which boys and girls are brought up,” adds Igor Pozhidaev, a psychotherapist at the Sibneiromed center. “People are expected to live up to the ideas they’ve been taught.”

But some, apparently, still inspired something else. Conventionally, men who make empty promises can be divided into three categories.

Liar, liar. This is a real liar, manipulator and cunning. He knows what he wants and achieves it in every possible way, including making promises that are expected of him and that he will never fulfill.
. Aspiring. The second category is men who do it unconsciously. “Such men want to look better than they are. They are aspiring, but not moving,” says Alena Sagadeeva. They make promises not because they want to deceive - they just want it to be so in reality, so they themselves begin to sincerely believe in it, infecting their interlocutors with their faith. If such a man is convicted of a discrepancy between words and deeds, he will very sadly shrug, ask for forgiveness and promise that this time he will try to do everything right.
. Offended. The most amazing character. It differs from the previous one in excessive touchiness and defiant removal of responsibility. "Why aren't you looking for a job? You promised, ”they are interested in him for the fifth time. And he explodes with righteous anger, managing to give a dozen arguments in favor of the fact that he has nothing to do with it and is generally deeply offended by the very posing of the question.

Between word and deed
If you delve into the male head, most often the reasons for such irresponsibility are associated with an attempt to escape - the fear of punishment, the desire to avoid a scandal or to reassure someone who is happy to be deceived.

“The most important thing is that inside this person there is a certain conflict between what he really wants and what others expect from him, to whom he makes these promises,”

says Alena Sagadeeva. He may know that he wants something else, or he may sincerely believe that he wants the same thing that they do, although in reality this is not so. Ultimately, in order not to create excessive tension in the relationship, he promises what he does not really want. What does he really want then? According to Ms. Sagadeeva, unlike a woman who wants stability, a man, first of all, seeks freedom. How he will react to the restriction in the most basic need depends on education and fortitude, but the reaction in one form or another will follow immediately. Empty promises are one of them.

The second need that must be satisfied (here regardless of gender) is the need for love, acceptance and respect.

In response to his promise, the man receives certain bonuses - the fur coat has not yet been bought, the nail has not yet been hammered - and the woman is already smiling, already grateful in advance and inspiring for further verbal exploits.

Also, show me a woman who does not want to hear that everything will be fine and all wishes will come true? Even if it's hard to believe, even if all previous experience suggests otherwise, you still really want to.

What to do?
It is difficult to resist the question “Why didn’t you warn again?”, It is difficult to resist the irony in response to another promise of a person who does not keep his word. The only thing you can do in this situation is to try again to voice how you feel - in some cases, the quantity factor works. And most importantly - for yourself to understand what you personally do in order to get the attitude that you get. This will surely anger many women, but it happens that they themselves regularly insist, push through their desires, preventing a man from expressing himself the way he wants.

Analyzing in which column of merits you made a mistake, you can find the treasured key that will open the veil of secrecy and put everything in its place.

“As a rule, the problem is in the mismatch of values ​​- for a man one thing is valuable, and for a woman another, these are different things and they do not intersect.

On the other hand, if a man regularly makes promises, but does not fulfill them, then this is not the right man - this is especially difficult to believe, ”says Alena Sagadeeva. It is possible, according to experts, to change the current model of behavior, but it is difficult. “It requires quite a lot of effort,” Igor Pozhidaev believes. “And here you need to correctly assess the situation, understand whether to fight for your happiness or just find it in the form in which it already exists.”

If you don’t want to break off the relationship, you should again ask yourself the question - what will happen if he never fulfills what he promises? Would you like to be with him in this case? If not, then you should stop entertaining yourself with illusions. And if so, to hell with her, with a fur coat and an unhammered nail.

Valeria Belenkaya

Interestingly, at the initial stage, she suits both, including representatives of the opposite sex, but subsequently the ideal union collapses. And mostly because of men.

The "male" suddenly begins to draw his partner the prospect of a completely different, more romantic and strong relationship, but he is not in a hurry to fulfill his promises. And the woman, already caught on the "emotional hook", wonders for a long time why the man needed to promise her mountains of gold, if. The situation is explained by a family psychologist, consultant on interpersonal relations, director of the dating agency "I and you" Elena Kuznetsova.

Hold on to romance

One of the most popular versions that women put forward when discussing a problem is that a man shields himself in this way. He does not want to admit even to himself that his attitude towards his partner in this case is consumerist. In order to “furnish” everything beautifully, ”he throws dust in the lady’s eyes, compliments her in bed, invites her to relax on the sea with him - so he is for himself.

In fact, Elena Kuznetsova argues, this explanation has nothing to do with reality if we are not in a relationship with anyone and meet each other only for the sake of sex. The behavior of men in such cases is explained simply: with their promises, they hope to keep their mistress near them for as long as possible.

“The fact is that for a single man, a woman who declares that she does not need anything from him except sex is a great find. Not every lady will decide on such a statement, so a man cherishes such a convenient partner. However, at the same time, he does not fully believe her, because the installation is firmly driven into his head that everyone is unmarried. And this setting just becomes a stumbling block. Not trusting the words of the woman, the man tries to play it safe and begins to tell the lady what all the representatives of the weaker sex want to hear from their partner: beautiful words about their uniqueness, promises of joint trips, living together, and so on, ”explains Elena Kuznetsova.

At the same time, the man does not think about the consequences of his words. It seems to him that he is doing everything right and tying a woman to himself, but the opposite effect occurs. The lady stops looking at the man only as at, and begins to really imagine him as a possible life partner. She “assimilates” all the information that her partner voiced to her, and begins to expect actions from a man. When a lady realizes that she was simply deceived, her sympathy for her partner develops into disgust.

“A man acts as an egoist, he himself confuses the situation, but does not even think about it. He pours honey into the woman's ears, wanting to keep her. He is sure that it is really possible to do this with the help of classic tricks that act on all the fairer sex. A man does this solely for his own benefit, he does not think where all his nonsense will lead, that the situation will change, and he will lose his partner, because she will turn into a classic woman with demands, ”summarizes the psychologist.

It is interesting that the majority of normal men “work” according to this scheme, not males and not cynics. Only the classical type, who understands that “sex for the sake of sex” is initially not quite a normal relationship with a woman, has an attitude about marriage in the head.

Cynical representatives of the stronger sex or ladies' man, who maintain a sexual relationship with a partner, will not promise anything to the lady. They and all. And in this sense, such men are the most honest, the psychologist notes.

Catch on word

An interpersonal relationship consultant says that men need to be taken at their word and present to them what they have promised you. Especially in the early stages. Just do it gently and gently, like a woman: “Darling, do you remember, you promised me a trip to France? Are we going this month? And then look at the reaction. If your date muttered something inaudible and started to come up with excuses, stop betting on this man. But if he understands that with your question you have pinned him to the wall, and he can lose you, then he is quite capable of rehabilitating himself. He can, for example, say: “Sorry, dear, it won’t work out in the near future, let’s then, for sure.” But if he fails to fulfill his promise a second time, .

The concept has changed

According to Elena Kuznetsova, a man who initially did not consider a woman as his future companion, but only as a sexual partner, in the process of communication, may reconsider his views and begin to desire a more serious relationship.

“Switching is possible. Initially, we do not plan what will happen to this person in the future, but then we flirt. Exactly . That is, at first they meet just for the sake of sex, but at some point they realize that they are attracted to each other in principle, ”says the interpersonal relationship consultant.

It is easy to understand that a man has “switched” to you emotionally too. More romance appears in your relationship, you spend more time together, and outside of bed, your partner becomes more gentle, more caring, more sympathetic. If, for example, you are ill, you may be asked to bring aspirin. He tries to support you and help you solve your problems.

If you have questions for psychologist Elena Kuznetsova, you can ask them by writing a letter to the editorial office of AiF-Vladimir: [email protected]